Ni passion ni jalousy : leimence is the obsession that can destroy your relationship

“Neither passion nor jealousy: limerence is the obsession that can destroy your relationship.” Sounds dramatic? Well, if you think love songs are intense, wait until you meet someone suffering from limerence. This emotional state can make Shakespearean tragedy look like lighthearted sitcom material. Let’s dive straight in and unravel what this obsession is, where it comes from, and most importantly, how to keep your relationships from turning into sprawling epics of romantic doom.

What is limerence, anyway?

Forget passion. Forget jealousy. Limerence – coined by American psychologist Dorothy Tenov in 1979 – takes things to a fixated extreme. Imagine Alphonse de Lamartine’s poetic sentiment: “One being is missing, and everything is depopulated.” That’s limerence in a nutshell. It’s an obsessional state where the other person becomes the absolute center of thoughts, emotions, and sometimes, even daydreams. Suddenly, everything revolves around them. If the sun rose and set on their schedule, it wouldn’t feel far-fetched.

But there’s a dark side: as Sud info warns, this obsessive focus can become genuinely dangerous. The person stuck in limerence isn’t just in love—they’re swept away in a tidal wave of dependency and romantic excess, always craving reciprocal affection.

Where does such intense need come from?

Digging deeper, limerence stems from significant emotional deprivation, a lack of self-confidence, and a flair for idealization, according to clinical psychologist Yvonne Poncet-Bonissol. The limerent individual clings to the dream of their beloved, who becomes “idealized” because they seem to fill every inner void.

In her words, desire is born out of a sense of lack. However, in the grip of emotional dependency, there’s a strong drive to eliminate any sense of missing out or absence. The idealized person is seen as the one who completes what was lost. The result? Over time, one partner can be overwhelmed and suffocated, ceasing to exist for themselves and living only through the relationship.

The damage done: two sides of the suffocation coin

This arrangement becomes toxic quickly, and not just for the one who is obsessed. The person being idolized is put under constant surveillance—watched, questioned, intruded upon out of distress. The person doing the idolizing winds up even worse off. Poncet-Bonissol notes, “She is no longer autonomous, but totally dependent.”

Things can get dire. If the object of obsession leaves, the limerent person may feel they no longer exist. The psychologist describes a state of paralysis and sadness, perpetually waiting for a sign from the person they love. It’s not just melodrama—it’s the tragedy of someone living their entire life by proxy, rather than as themselves. According to Poncet-Bonissol, “true love is a form of shared autonomy.” When lost in limerence, individuals display emotional immaturity that prevents them from reaching truly autonomous love.

Limerence: born from childhood fears and ripe for toxic traps

Why does someone become limerent? According to Psychologue.net, the causes often go back to childhood. Children who suffered from abandonment or low self-esteem may grow into adults always anxiously seeking love and recognition—sometimes falling into obsession.

But wait, there’s more hazard: people suffering from intense emotional dependence offer easy prey for toxic personalities. As Poncet-Bonissol bluntly puts it, affective dependents are “ideal prey for those looking to objectify their partners.” At first, the vulnerability triggers a passion-filled fairy tale, but soon enough, it mutates into a nightmare. Toxic individuals easily invade the fragile boundaries of someone who makes themselves so vulnerable.

• Limerence comes from emotional deprivation, lack of self-confidence, and the tendency to idolize.
• It leads to suffocation for both the one who obsesses and the one who is idolized.
• It is often rooted in childhood experiences of abandonment or low self-esteem.
• Toxic people may exploit those suffering from limerence.

The way through: awareness and (yes) a touch of realism

So, how do you break this cycle—or avoid stumbling into it? The advice from professionals is refreshingly doable:

• First, recognize and admit you’re in a state of limerence, driven by emotional deprivation.
• Next, remember that idealizing someone is usually a sign of low self-esteem. Addressing this is vital.
• Finally, remember: your partner is only human, full of quirks and imperfections just like you. There’s no such thing as perfection in real love.

If you suspect you’re caught in limerence—either as the obsessed or the object—it may be time to consult a mental health professional specializing in obsessive-compulsive issues. A friendly reminder: you deserve to live your own life, not just through someone else’s eyes. Sometimes loving truly means… loving yourself first.